Turning 21 on 29

Assalamualaikum and hi everyone!

I hope you guys are doing good because I am not. I am feeling confused lately between love and attachment. 

Like why it is happened? 

What should I do? 

Why people treated me like that? 

Turning 21 was good, alhamdulillah I still have my family and friends. Personally, birthday does not matter. I don't mind if people doesn't wish me. But if they do, I appreciate it so much. Maybe because I think that everyday is my birthday? haha. I love spending quality time with the ones I love. It means so much to me. More than thousand expensive things that you could ever buy. 

I am going home this week, celebrating my birthday with family? Yes, for sure. I really miss the home's smell. I miss everyone at home. Call me clingy I don't care. I realized that I rely on my family so much, I can't even live without giving a call to anyone. 

Nothing much to say but wanna thanks for those who stays, make my life better. 

xx

We plan, He decides

 Hi everyone.

It is my second day, I guess. I don't take my meals for the whole day today. I don't feel like it. I can barely eat anything. My stomach is full without eating anything. But I do drink water. I talked to Ipah, my classmate when I was in high-school. She validated my feeling. Yes, I should feel sad. It is valid. My feelings are valid. I know it might take time to heal, ugh again. I need to go to heal myself again? It is okay, I need to enjoy this phase. This sad phase. 

I plan, but He really decides. 

When something I dearly love didn't work out, I lose myself in the process. I do question the qadr. Why this is happening to me? Am I don't deserve to be loved? When I will be loved? Why everyone is dating here and there but not me? I get frustrated and tired. 

I will try to let my heart trust in His plans. I will learn the true meaning of tawakkul.

Once you understand the meaning of tawakkul, you will definitely be okay with things that are not working out the way you wanted them to be.

I need to learn to accept that sometimes, what my heart wants is not good for me. As time passes by, I can only give myself the assurance that everything is already written and I should trust his timing, for he made everything beautiful - in his perfect time.

All in His time.

Iffah Nadiah, you will be fine. Inshaallah. 

You are stronger than you think.

Signing off, 
Iffah xx. 

I am sad, I do

Hi everyone. 

It's me again.

I thought I am in love yet I am getting ready for another heartbreak. I am well prepared isnt it? Iffah, come on this is not your first time. You can handle a two years heartbreak, I am so sure this time you could do better. I really hope that he gets his best. Thank you so much for those two months, I am beyond grateful and happy. I never felt that good. Ya, even for a while. Thank you so much. I would not find another, I promise to myself. It was nice meeting you after all. I really had a good times. 

As times passed by, you cannot bring everything that you have today to your future. You have to choose, even though the decision is hard. But trust me, it will be better to decide now other than you regret later. We are human, we made mistakes, we do confuse. That is why we need to go back to Allah, He needs to know everything. Literally everything. 

I am glad I told him everything about you. He knows me well. He knows me better. He knows the best. I can't wait for my future endeavors.

I would be lying if I say I am not sad, but that is what the consequences that I have to take. Feeling sad. He is fair. I know my sadness today will bring happy tears in future. I believe that there must be a reason why we knew and met each other. Where did I find the courage to go to meet you even though it was my first time meeting man that I knew online. He must prepare something for me forward. 

I guess that is all. 

See you later. 

Wan

 Assalamualaikum, wan.

I know you can't read this. But at least I will reread this later. I just wanna make sure that I won't forget you. All of the sacrifices made to take care of me together with adik-adik. Thank you wan. Kakak rindu wan sangat. I know nothing will change even if I am crying a river of tears. 

I never have a chance to say thanks appropriately. The last time we met was when I went to your house, eating laksa. Nenek's laksa was so good and will always be. We never knew that was the last time we ate together kan? Few months after you passed away, you came into my dream. You were wearing white cloak and smiled. From afar. I wished that you would say something. I wished. 

Kakak selalu ingat wan. Even nenek always talk about you. Kakak selalu juga call nenek, jumpa. Adik kan cucu favorite wan? For years, kakak baru sedar, we dont have any picture together. Ada, once wan jadi 'penghulu' dalam projek sejarah kakak. But I couldn't find the picture. Kakak harap, I have a chance to visit your grave. Tapi kalau kakak taknak balik macam mana? Kalau kakak nangis teruk macam mana? Mesti nenek pun nangis jugak kan. 

Nenek baru balik beli laksa dengan adik. Adik dah besar dah, jadi baby besar. Ada ke patut diorang jalan pergi kedai kak mira? Padahal nenek ada tiga motor, semua taknak guna. Nenek kata payah, tinggila, lecehla. Takpun dia boleh je tunggu kakak balik sekolah, tapi mengada takmau. Kakak dah besar, lagi dua tahun dah nak jadi cikgu. You must be proud. Dulu wan hantar ambik kakak sekolah. Tiap kali kakak pergi sekolah, teringat masa wan ambil, bunyi motor wan kan kuat. Lama mana pun kakak nak keluar, mesti wan tunggu. Lepastu kita pergi beli keropok kan? Wan kena tunggu lagi. HAHA.

Kakak tak pernah ada masa untuk tulis ni. Pernah ada tapi tak tertulis, mesti teresak. Even now, I still do but better than before. Untuk 19 tahun, terima kasih wan. Wan dengan nenek pergi mana-mana pun mesti ingat kitorang. Kalau pergi mana-mana mesti cakap kakak ni cucu. 

Kakak sayang wan. Wan doakan kakak tau. Kakak tak larat dah nak tahan mata ni. HAHA <3

Unsolved problem

There is something wrong with me lately. Everything feels not right. Literally, EVERYTHING. I can’t find out where the missing pieces are. Missing home? I met my family last Friday. I’m not too attached to home, or else it can’t be this early. Missing tokwan? Probably, yes.

I wonder how Cik Ya encountered this kind of feeling when she was in uni. Siblings? Friends? Or partner? Cik Ya’s mom died when she was young. I really wanted to know how she was able to manage all this. I need shoulder to cry on. To let my heart out. I poured my heart out to Aini but only half of it. HALF. The burden didn’t decrease. Should I call umi?

YALL, IM LISTENING TO SAD SONGS MADE ME CRY EVEN HARDER.

It will be weird. I never told umi any of my problems. Not only umi but family. Pretend that I’m strong, nothing happened. That’s my skill.

Should I tell tokwan? Does she will understand me? I don’t think so. I don’t even know where to start. What if she asks this and that? What should I reply? Too much in my mind. I’m tired enough.

I shouldn’t think of others more than myself. I am important to me. I’ve handled it all alone all these times. Why not today?