I am sad, I do

Hi everyone. 

It's me again.

I thought I am in love yet I am getting ready for another heartbreak. I am well prepared isnt it? Iffah, come on this is not your first time. You can handle a two years heartbreak, I am so sure this time you could do better. I really hope that he gets his best. Thank you so much for those two months, I am beyond grateful and happy. I never felt that good. Ya, even for a while. Thank you so much. I would not find another, I promise to myself. It was nice meeting you after all. I really had a good times. 

As times passed by, you cannot bring everything that you have today to your future. You have to choose, even though the decision is hard. But trust me, it will be better to decide now other than you regret later. We are human, we made mistakes, we do confuse. That is why we need to go back to Allah, He needs to know everything. Literally everything. 

I am glad I told him everything about you. He knows me well. He knows me better. He knows the best. I can't wait for my future endeavors.

I would be lying if I say I am not sad, but that is what the consequences that I have to take. Feeling sad. He is fair. I know my sadness today will bring happy tears in future. I believe that there must be a reason why we knew and met each other. Where did I find the courage to go to meet you even though it was my first time meeting man that I knew online. He must prepare something for me forward. 

I guess that is all. 

See you later. 

Wan

 Assalamualaikum, wan.

I know you can't read this. But at least I will reread this later. I just wanna make sure that I won't forget you. All of the sacrifices made to take care of me together with adik-adik. Thank you wan. Kakak rindu wan sangat. I know nothing will change even if I am crying a river of tears. 

I never have a chance to say thanks appropriately. The last time we met was when I went to your house, eating laksa. Nenek's laksa was so good and will always be. We never knew that was the last time we ate together kan? Few months after you passed away, you came into my dream. You were wearing white cloak and smiled. From afar. I wished that you would say something. I wished. 

Kakak selalu ingat wan. Even nenek always talk about you. Kakak selalu juga call nenek, jumpa. Adik kan cucu favorite wan? For years, kakak baru sedar, we dont have any picture together. Ada, once wan jadi 'penghulu' dalam projek sejarah kakak. But I couldn't find the picture. Kakak harap, I have a chance to visit your grave. Tapi kalau kakak taknak balik macam mana? Kalau kakak nangis teruk macam mana? Mesti nenek pun nangis jugak kan. 

Nenek baru balik beli laksa dengan adik. Adik dah besar dah, jadi baby besar. Ada ke patut diorang jalan pergi kedai kak mira? Padahal nenek ada tiga motor, semua taknak guna. Nenek kata payah, tinggila, lecehla. Takpun dia boleh je tunggu kakak balik sekolah, tapi mengada takmau. Kakak dah besar, lagi dua tahun dah nak jadi cikgu. You must be proud. Dulu wan hantar ambik kakak sekolah. Tiap kali kakak pergi sekolah, teringat masa wan ambil, bunyi motor wan kan kuat. Lama mana pun kakak nak keluar, mesti wan tunggu. Lepastu kita pergi beli keropok kan? Wan kena tunggu lagi. HAHA.

Kakak tak pernah ada masa untuk tulis ni. Pernah ada tapi tak tertulis, mesti teresak. Even now, I still do but better than before. Untuk 19 tahun, terima kasih wan. Wan dengan nenek pergi mana-mana pun mesti ingat kitorang. Kalau pergi mana-mana mesti cakap kakak ni cucu. 

Kakak sayang wan. Wan doakan kakak tau. Kakak tak larat dah nak tahan mata ni. HAHA <3