Wan

 Assalamualaikum, wan.

I know you can't read this. But at least I will reread this later. I just wanna make sure that I won't forget you. All of the sacrifices made to take care of me together with adik-adik. Thank you wan. Kakak rindu wan sangat. I know nothing will change even if I am crying a river of tears. 

I never have a chance to say thanks appropriately. The last time we met was when I went to your house, eating laksa. Nenek's laksa was so good and will always be. We never knew that was the last time we ate together kan? Few months after you passed away, you came into my dream. You were wearing white cloak and smiled. From afar. I wished that you would say something. I wished. 

Kakak selalu ingat wan. Even nenek always talk about you. Kakak selalu juga call nenek, jumpa. Adik kan cucu favorite wan? For years, kakak baru sedar, we dont have any picture together. Ada, once wan jadi 'penghulu' dalam projek sejarah kakak. But I couldn't find the picture. Kakak harap, I have a chance to visit your grave. Tapi kalau kakak taknak balik macam mana? Kalau kakak nangis teruk macam mana? Mesti nenek pun nangis jugak kan. 

Nenek baru balik beli laksa dengan adik. Adik dah besar dah, jadi baby besar. Ada ke patut diorang jalan pergi kedai kak mira? Padahal nenek ada tiga motor, semua taknak guna. Nenek kata payah, tinggila, lecehla. Takpun dia boleh je tunggu kakak balik sekolah, tapi mengada takmau. Kakak dah besar, lagi dua tahun dah nak jadi cikgu. You must be proud. Dulu wan hantar ambik kakak sekolah. Tiap kali kakak pergi sekolah, teringat masa wan ambil, bunyi motor wan kan kuat. Lama mana pun kakak nak keluar, mesti wan tunggu. Lepastu kita pergi beli keropok kan? Wan kena tunggu lagi. HAHA.

Kakak tak pernah ada masa untuk tulis ni. Pernah ada tapi tak tertulis, mesti teresak. Even now, I still do but better than before. Untuk 19 tahun, terima kasih wan. Wan dengan nenek pergi mana-mana pun mesti ingat kitorang. Kalau pergi mana-mana mesti cakap kakak ni cucu. 

Kakak sayang wan. Wan doakan kakak tau. Kakak tak larat dah nak tahan mata ni. HAHA <3

Unsolved problem

There is something wrong with me lately. Everything feels not right. Literally, EVERYTHING. I can’t find out where the missing pieces are. Missing home? I met my family last Friday. I’m not too attached to home, or else it can’t be this early. Missing tokwan? Probably, yes.

I wonder how Cik Ya encountered this kind of feeling when she was in uni. Siblings? Friends? Or partner? Cik Ya’s mom died when she was young. I really wanted to know how she was able to manage all this. I need shoulder to cry on. To let my heart out. I poured my heart out to Aini but only half of it. HALF. The burden didn’t decrease. Should I call umi?

YALL, IM LISTENING TO SAD SONGS MADE ME CRY EVEN HARDER.

It will be weird. I never told umi any of my problems. Not only umi but family. Pretend that I’m strong, nothing happened. That’s my skill.

Should I tell tokwan? Does she will understand me? I don’t think so. I don’t even know where to start. What if she asks this and that? What should I reply? Too much in my mind. I’m tired enough.

I shouldn’t think of others more than myself. I am important to me. I’ve handled it all alone all these times. Why not today?